For I know what I know and I know that it is not Now.

He was in my house, again. I don't know if I invited him in, or it was my mother who insisted he come in, again. I guess we were about to find out. He sat on the floor near the oven on the opposite corner from where I was standing perched on the island table. I fiddled with my laptop, stealing glances at him, not quite sure what to make out of this. My sisters appeared next to me, looking over my shoulder while we gave each other silent glares, frowns and questioning looks. He stood up just as my mother walked into the room beaming to herself. She started talking to him as my sisters threw in their two bits worth and I took every effort to stay calm and hope she did not ask questions that went over the line. He kept glancing over my way looking worried but he replied her anyway with a small smile and remained looking calm. After awhile he walked to where I was perched, looked warmly at me and touched my hand, smiling all the while. I was a little stunned but I knew then what it meant.

We stood on the outside steps, ready to walk out. Both my sisters stood at the doorway, looking fiercely at me with their arms crossed against their chests. "You dare leave with him?" He moved closer to put his arm around my waist defensively but I glared at my sister, daring her to stop me, never leaving her gaze as I took his hand and walked out the gates.

I sat slumped on the couch opposite a girlfriend. We were both waiting in a cafe. I pressed the buttons on my phone hurriedly and waited for it to ring. He answered on the second ring. "Where are you?" I asked urgently. "I'm coming, hun. I'll be right there kay." he answered soothingly. I put down the phone and was about to close my eyes when I saw him appear from the left side of me. He slid in next to me and put his arm around me, allowing me to lean in and rest my head against his chest. His touch so unfamiliar, yet not awkward. Still,it didn't feel normal or right either. Before I could think up excuses for this, I blanked.

My eyes snapped open. 8.01am. Outside, the sky was shedding tears.
______________________________________________

I lay on my side, knowing that when I closed my eyes again, there would be another. But I was angry. I didn't understand anything. It had been quite awhile since it was him. But it wasn't just that, I was angry because ...

______________________________________________

I was in my house again. Only it was noisier, brighter, and there were so many people. It was night time, a different year, I seemed a bit more older. I was standing at the hallway, again not sure what this was all about. I started walking to the living room looking for people I know. As I passed the kitchen, I caught the eye of one sister, who snickered at me. I swallowed hard and walked slower, my instincts prodding on me to take caution. I stepped into the living room and immediately saw him, standing in the middle of the room looking as if he had been waiting for me.
"Kelsey."
But it wasn't he who said my name. I cringed. I knew this voice so well that I didn't need to turn around to know who was behind me. It registered at once. It was a voice I had always teased about and argued to about. A voice I had listened to for so many hours years and years ago. I bit my lip and looked into his eyes, trying to find some sort of hint that would tell me what was going on, but there was nothing. I turned around to the caller, looking stubbornly into his face. It was a face I had seen so many times, so often sometimes, sometimes not so. You looked back at me with the same expression that he had, as if you had been waiting for me too. You looked agitated with your hands shoved roughly into your pockets. Then out of the blue, without notice, everything became fuzzy, hurried, rough, just awful. There were throws of foul words, accusations I couldn't quite make out, hatred in their eyes, the questioning looks, the glares, the "tell me which one of us it is" expressions written all over their faces. I couldn't stand it. I felt so weak, so unprepared. The people whom I knew didn't try to intervene. They just stood there watching the drama unfold. And just as it seemed like they were about to break into a fight, the both of them walked away going separate directions.

I ran back the way I came. I leaned against the outside wall, trying to catch my breath. My head was dizzy. I felt like I was going to puke any time. My brain was going round in circles trying to piece everything together quickly. And yet, it didn't make sense to me. No, not now. Its way too early for this. I can't. They can't expect me to do this now. I argued with myself, eyes closed. There was only one thing I was sure of; it was time for me to choose.



I walked calmly, concentrating on my breathing. I had an idea of where they would be. I looked for him first, confident that he would be easier to find. I found him just as I thought I would, standing behind a crowd of people holding a drink that he'd never even touched. I slipped behind the crowd where he was. He immediately saw me and as I motioned for him to follow me, he put down the glass and walked towards me. "Please?" I asked pleadingly. He just nodded. I told him to wait for me in the living room and I went out into the garden.

It was pretty dark and bugs were flying around me but I couldn't be bothered. I just wanted to find you, explain and get it over and done with. I found you leaning against the wall near the dog's gate, hands still shoved into your pockets, head bowed. You looked up as I walked closer. You didn't look angry anymore, but you were still clearly very upset. I didn't have to say anything, you knew. I turned around and walked back, listening to our footsteps in the quiet of the night.


We were old enough to deal with this. I thank timing for that at the very least. Both of them stood side by side facing me. I took a deep breath and opened my mouth, "Let me explain...". I blurted out everything that I could remember. Everything that still made sense. They listened, somewhat willingly. But the three of us knew we needed this. For the truth to be out in the open. Vomitted out for us to witness ourselves. It was the only way.
When I finally finished, he looked straight at me, no longer with hatred, anger or sadness, but solemnly he asked, "So, which one of us is it, Kelsey? You know thats all we really need to know." I wished so much in that moment that the earth could have just opened up and swallowed me whole. Of course, that didn't happen.

---------------------------------------------
(for I truly don't remember what happened straight after that)

I held on tightly to your hand. You were pulling me as we walked hurriedly to catch the train. But I was smiling. And so were you. Not just any smile. It was My smile.

And the thing is, I know I never made the choice.

_______________________________________________
10.30am.

Ohgawd.

(it didn't end there but the rest of the dream is irrelevant to you as a reader)

P.S. : Please read disclaimer at the side.
P.P.S. : I swear the dream was this long. wait no, it was longer. hah!

<3